I now find myself alone. I want to believe in God. I want to believe in a Higher Purpose and Divine Plan. I find comfort in these ideas; but as of late, I feel more and more foolish for believing. I sometimes wonder if being in an organized religion would ease these doubts. I wish I could rely on someone for my spiritual guidance and strength, but my mind cannot grasp it. I wish I could just fold into the warm arms of the protector that so many people see in their religious leaders. I cannot. I just do not believe that anyone has any more access to the Divine than anyone else. It would be very convenient if I did.
I hope this is temporary. I hope that I will again see the Divine in the world, as I had for so long. I want to believe in the Greater Good and it's triumph over everything. Unfortunately, I have had far too much evidence to the contrary. I want to go back to my optimistic self. I feel comfort in being able to see the positive in all situations. Now, all I see is an empty and stark reality smacking me in the face. Is this it? Is this all that my life will be? Hope eludes me as doubt consumes.
I need a sign. I need something wonderful to happen, something really amazing. I need to know that someone is looking out for me. I once felt that I had something big, something amazing, on my side. I no longer feel it. I want to. I want to bask in the warmth and comfort of that belief and faith again. How though? How can I get it back?
Focusing on the things in my life that have been positive has not helped. I tried throwing myself into creative endeavors; tried taking classes to help me focus on new things. It's not working. I find myself feeling empty but trying to be happy. I hate this feeling. I want to be back to normal. I have lived my life with an underlying happiness. Often baffling to others, I relied on my ability to see the good in situations, no matter how bleak. Why is this ability gone? Will it come back? I do not like this matter-of-fact way of living. This can't be it. Can it?
I have never felt more empty. I want to be filled with hope, joy, positivity, and faith again. I don't know how. If you're there God, please, I need a sign. I good one. I need things to really start going my way. subtle signs won't do it. I feel that I've been beaten down to nothing. I know, on some level, that I deserve more. I feel guilty for feeling this way because I have an amazing mother, sister and brother. I have also been blessed with a wonderful male figure in my life, my mom's love Mark. I know I am blessed with intelligence and kindness around me and I am thankful to be in a country in which I can live freely. So why do I feel so empty? Why do I believe the negative comments that are showered upon me daily, like a cruel form of torture? I want to be able to hold on to this blessed feeling again. Longer than the few seconds it takes for me to type them. However, the joy is fleeting. Guilt consumes because I do not want to feel sorry for myself.
My frustration is seeing that these wonderful people in my life are hurting too. At the same time, the selfish, negative and greedy people in my life are thriving. This does not seem to be the way of any Divine world that I know of. I have a father who has decided that it is fun to hate me. He tortures me and yet tries to be just kind enough at times to keep me hoping for a change. I don't though. His tricks are no longer working. The more I know that he won't change, the more I accept that he really does hate me. That's when he becomes even more manipulative and mean. He has harmed me on so many levels and seems to take joy in it. This is the man who seems to get everything he wants. I want to take comfort in knowing he'll never feel true love. He finds his pleasure in asserting control over others through sex, money or manipulation. This is not love, but he seems to enjoy it. So how can I think that he'd even want any different? However, I do not find comfort in this. It saddens me. He won't be affected because he doesn't know any better. In my fairytale world, this is not the man who would win court cases and have more and more power and money. This is the man that would be taught a lesson. Alas, this is not reality.
God, if you're there, please send me a sign that things will be righted. Please send me a sign that love will come to my family and an abundance of joy, bliss, prosperity, excellent health and love will be ours. I need the sign to be big. I need actual action to take hold. I understand making demands isn't very faithful. I've given as much faith as I've got and it's gotten me nowhere. Now is the time for action. I will do my part. I will try my best to get back to my positive, happy place. I will go about my life with integrity and love. The rest is in your hands. I'm tired and I can't do any more.Are you there, God? It's me, Tiffany. I need a sign. I need to feel you again. Please help.
Love,
Me
2 comments:
I myself have never been "a believer". I do not have a belief in man made religion (for myself). In fact, despite my Catholic upbringing, I consider myself Agnostic. I have, however found faith and a belief in a Higher Power, who I choose to call God. My God does not wear white robes, have long gray hair and live among the clouds. My way of a belief in a power greater than myself is one that came about from nature and the world around me. I cannot make the sun rise, the flowers bloom or the grass grow. Therefore, there has to be something that has created this amazing, beautiful world I am now a part of. I am only where I am in life today by the grace of God. Although it isn’t always easy for me to give up control and “my will” to my Higher Power, it is comforting to know there is someone/something else “running the show”. When I am struggling with one (or more) of the many character defects I am working on being removed (fear, self-pity, self-centeredness, jealousy, or resentment), I choose to “give it to God”. I learned early in the program of AA, that I don’t always, and won’t always, like everything about acceptance. I have a choice today. I chose to accept things that happen or have happened in my life and am working on not labeling them good or bad. I still find myself living in fear today. Fear that I will never have something/someone I want, and fear of losing something/someone I never even had. This fear usually leads me down a path of self-pity and self-loathing,…and it’s never pretty. I have a choice to accept things the way they are today and know that God would never give me anything I couldn’t handle. I am where I am for a reason. I have what I have for a reason. I believe happiness isn’t something found, it isn’t something someone else can give me. I must make happiness w/in myself. Today I choose to be happy, have faith, & trust in a higher power that all will be well.
Thank you. Thank you for sharing that. I think it is human nature to fear losing what we have and fearing that we won't get more.
The funny thing is that as soon as we overcome these fears, we get even more. It's hard though. I get frustrated when I cannot see the reason behind things. I am very good at finding it, normally, so it's tough on me when I can't.
Now I'm learning to let go. I will see the answer or reason when I am ready.
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