I'll get by with a little help...

I couldn't get out of the funk I was in. Not alone, anyway.  I decided to reach out for help and found my therapist, Alosia.  She knows my family but is not close enough to have concrete opinions and expectations.  Also, I trust her.  She has a very similarly off-beat view of spirituality/life in general and that helps me to be completely open with her. 

Mid-way through our first conversation, she asked me if I realized that I suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  I was stunned.  I knew of the disorder, but attributed it to those who had been through "real suffering" or "real terror".  She helped me to understand that my experiences also fit those descriptions, in addition to whatever minimizing label I had given them.  It sounds odd, but it almost made me feel better to know that all that I've been through.  All that I've silently suffered with, and even my weight and painful reflexes to being scared or startled, have a CAUSE.  With a cause, comes a treatment or cure, right?

It turns out that this process is much more difficult than I would prefer.  It's hard getting in touch with painful feelings that I had so "successfully" stifled all of these years.  I wear the face of a confident woman taking care of everything herself.  In fact, it's a lack of trust that others can or would look out for my best interest if I let them in... all the way in.  It made me so sad to discover that.  I thought I was not wanting to be a burden (which is still true), but to find that it's about me not trusting them NOT to hurt me? So sad.  This in itself motivated me to continue the process.

I am at a stand still, with decisions that need to be made before I know exactly how to move forward.  I'm still going to therapy and things are becoming clearer.  In the meantime, I feel more safe and more sure of my boundaries.

2010 was a shitty year in some aspects, but really it laid the groundwork for much better things to come.  With that, I will be focusing this blog on Gratitude as much as possible for 2011.  I know I'm ready.

Trick Cup

Ever try looking at the cup as half full only to look back and see it slowly emptying? My life feels like a trick cup right now.  I'm trying my hardest to get back to my more optimistic self, but it seems that everything is working against it.  I'm tired.  I need a break.  I need something to happen that will fill my cup to the brim and then some.  I need to have some sign that good things will happen.

Yes, I am lucky to have the family I do (those I consider family, that is) and to have had the wonderful travel experiences I've been afforded in my life.  I've got some great friends too.  It's not like I'm completely alone but I feel that way more and more.  I'm so happy for everyone around me for finding love and purpose in their lives.  I feel horrible for saying this, but part of me gets a little mad that they get to experience what I ache so deeply for.  When is it my turn? I have been alone for 9 years. I've had a fling here and there, but not a boyfriend.  Not anyone who would call me a girlfriend.   I know I'm not that scary.  What's going on? It's my time, isn't it?

I want to be happy.  I want to have faith.  I try so hard to be grateful for the mind I have and the people I love in my life.  I want to feel that that's enough.  Am I a bad person for feeling like I deserve more?  I need a change. I need to feel happy again.

I need a new cup.  The one I've been looking at must have a hole in it.  No matter how full it looks like it may be, something happens to empty it. I need one that will stay full (and get fuller).  What will my new cup be? New job? yes please.  New house? if that's what it takes? New WHAT? I'm tired. I just want someone wonderful to come into my life and show me that this pain and heartache was worth  it.  I don't want to have to wait.  I can't. I really can't.  I'm losing my mind and my faith all in one.  Please, if there really is a point to all of this pain... please make the pain end for me.  Not soon. Now.  Please. I'm begging.  I call uncle.  I'm not this strong. I promise.  I need something nice to happen, ok?

thank you.

Are you there, God?

Living life with faith, but without religion seems to be a foreign concept to most.  For me, it has been a way of life.  I have always been deeply connected to my spiritual side, but turned off by man-made religious ideals.  Connected to spirit without the guilt or obligation of religion has served me well in the past.  I do not believe in hell, though sometimes I wish it existed as a final punishment for those who deserve it.  I do not believe in sin, only in lessons to be taught again and again until we learn them.  I do not feel the need to prove my belief to anyone by means of tithing, church attendance or false proclamations.  It has been a luxury I've taken for granted.

I now find myself alone. I want to believe in God. I want to believe in a Higher Purpose and Divine Plan.  I find comfort in these ideas; but as of late, I feel more and more foolish for believing.  I sometimes wonder if being in an organized religion would ease these doubts.  I wish I could rely on someone for my spiritual guidance and strength, but my mind cannot grasp it.  I wish I could just fold into the warm arms of the protector that so many people see in their religious leaders.  I cannot.  I just do not believe that anyone has any more access to the Divine than anyone else.  It would be very convenient if I did.

I hope this is temporary.  I hope that I will again see the Divine in the world, as I had for so long.  I want to believe in the Greater Good and it's triumph over everything.  Unfortunately, I have had far too much evidence to the contrary.  I want to go back to my optimistic self.  I feel comfort in being able to see the positive in all situations.  Now, all I see is an empty and stark reality smacking me in the face.  Is this it?  Is this all that my life will be? Hope eludes me as doubt consumes.

I need a sign.  I need something wonderful to happen, something really amazing.  I need to know that someone is looking out for me.  I once felt that I had something big, something amazing, on my side.  I no longer feel it.  I want to. I want to bask in the warmth and comfort of that belief and faith again.  How though? How can I get it back?

Focusing on the things in my life that have been positive has not helped.  I tried throwing myself into creative endeavors; tried taking classes to help me focus on new things.  It's not working. I find myself feeling empty but trying to be happy.  I hate this feeling.  I want to be back to normal. I have lived my life with an underlying happiness.  Often baffling to others, I relied on my ability to see the good in situations, no matter how bleak.  Why is this ability gone? Will it come back? I do not like this matter-of-fact way of living.  This can't be it. Can it?

I have never felt more empty.  I want to be filled with hope, joy, positivity, and faith again.  I don't know how.  If you're there God, please, I need a sign.  I good one.  I need things to really start going my way. subtle signs won't do it.  I feel that I've been beaten down to nothing.  I know, on some level, that I deserve more.  I feel guilty for feeling this way because I have an amazing mother, sister and brother.  I have also been blessed with a wonderful male figure in my life, my mom's love Mark.  I know I am blessed with intelligence and kindness around me and I am thankful to be in a country in which I can live freely.  So why do I feel so empty? Why do I believe the negative comments that are showered upon me daily, like a cruel form of torture?  I want to be able to hold on to this blessed feeling again. Longer than the few seconds it takes for me to type them.  However, the joy is fleeting.  Guilt consumes because I do not want to feel sorry for myself.

My frustration is seeing that these wonderful people in my life are hurting too.  At the same time, the selfish, negative and greedy people in my life are thriving.  This does not seem to be the way of any Divine world that I know of.  I have a father who has decided that it is fun to hate me. He tortures me and yet tries to be just kind enough at times to keep me hoping for a change.  I don't though.  His tricks are no longer working.  The more I know that he won't change, the more I accept that he really does hate me.  That's when he becomes even more manipulative and mean.  He has harmed me on so many levels and seems to take joy in it.  This is the man who seems to get everything he wants.  I want to take comfort in knowing he'll never feel true love.  He finds his pleasure in asserting control over others through sex, money or manipulation. This is not love, but he seems to enjoy it.  So how can I think that he'd even want any different?  However, I do not find comfort in this.  It saddens me.  He won't be affected because he doesn't know any better.   In my fairytale world, this is not the man who would win court cases and have more and more power and money.  This is the man that would be taught a lesson.  Alas, this is not reality.

God, if you're there, please send me a sign that things will be righted.  Please send me a sign that love will come to my family and an abundance of joy, bliss, prosperity, excellent health and love will be ours.  I need the sign to be big.  I need actual action to take hold.  I understand making demands isn't very faithful. I've given as much faith as I've got and it's gotten me nowhere.  Now is the time for action.  I will do my part. I will try my best to get back to my positive, happy place.  I will go about my life with integrity and love.   The rest is in your hands.  I'm tired and I can't do any more.

Are you there, God? It's me, Tiffany.  I need a sign.  I need to feel you again.  Please help.

Love,
Me

Upside down and backwards

Life isn't as it once seemed to be.  Where hope and faith once stood, doubt and numbness now reside.  How can things have turned out so wrong? How has my world been shaken and turned upside down so completely? If everything happens for a reason, what is the reason in this?

I do not understand how a man who manipulates everything can continue to win.  I do not understand how someone who has no integrity or moral compass can continually find people to follow him and do his evil bidding.  Where is the justice? How can an already rich man steal money and opportunity for prosperity from those around him without consequence?  I can continually fool myself into thinking that one day he'll suffer because he'll be alone or that he'll see the error of his ways; but what's the point?  I want to believe in a just world; a just universe.  I want to, but the notion is quickly slipping through my fingers.

I once felt that right would ultimately win out over wrong; that good would triumph over evil.  I believed this even when faced with evidence to the contrary.  Now I feel foolish and naive.  The trouble is finding my footing.  How do I move forward without faith that I will ultimately find love and that things will turn out? Am I foolish for believing in anything? Am I setting myself up for disappointment thinking that there is an ultimate plan in place?  I don't know anymore.  I just don't know.

Evil wins again... for now

I am crushed.  I am stunned. I am disappointed.  How? How does a greedy evil bastard of a man continue to get his way in life? How does someone who is honest, kindhearted and generous with all keep getting screwed by him? It is not right.  I feel sick.  How can I believe in anything if this continues? Evil cannot continue to win; and yet, it does. He does. I want to scream. I want to cry.  I am crushed.

Blog, Reinvented

I've had a lot of fun blogging in the past; but I worried if I was doing it more for others than for myself.  After much thought, I have decided that I truly enjoy writing about my life, my worries, my joys and just random thoughts that enter my mind.

Although these entries will be written by me and for me, I hope you enjoy getting a peek into my mind and heart.

Thank you for reading,

Tiffany