Trick Cup

Ever try looking at the cup as half full only to look back and see it slowly emptying? My life feels like a trick cup right now.  I'm trying my hardest to get back to my more optimistic self, but it seems that everything is working against it.  I'm tired.  I need a break.  I need something to happen that will fill my cup to the brim and then some.  I need to have some sign that good things will happen.

Yes, I am lucky to have the family I do (those I consider family, that is) and to have had the wonderful travel experiences I've been afforded in my life.  I've got some great friends too.  It's not like I'm completely alone but I feel that way more and more.  I'm so happy for everyone around me for finding love and purpose in their lives.  I feel horrible for saying this, but part of me gets a little mad that they get to experience what I ache so deeply for.  When is it my turn? I have been alone for 9 years. I've had a fling here and there, but not a boyfriend.  Not anyone who would call me a girlfriend.   I know I'm not that scary.  What's going on? It's my time, isn't it?

I want to be happy.  I want to have faith.  I try so hard to be grateful for the mind I have and the people I love in my life.  I want to feel that that's enough.  Am I a bad person for feeling like I deserve more?  I need a change. I need to feel happy again.

I need a new cup.  The one I've been looking at must have a hole in it.  No matter how full it looks like it may be, something happens to empty it. I need one that will stay full (and get fuller).  What will my new cup be? New job? yes please.  New house? if that's what it takes? New WHAT? I'm tired. I just want someone wonderful to come into my life and show me that this pain and heartache was worth  it.  I don't want to have to wait.  I can't. I really can't.  I'm losing my mind and my faith all in one.  Please, if there really is a point to all of this pain... please make the pain end for me.  Not soon. Now.  Please. I'm begging.  I call uncle.  I'm not this strong. I promise.  I need something nice to happen, ok?

thank you.